The Value of a Drink


"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame.  Then I
look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their
hopes and dreams  If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and
their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink
this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my
liver."
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you
wondering what in the world  happened to your bra and panties.
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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the
illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than
some German guy named Rainer.

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"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up
reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to
think people are laughing WITH you.
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"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case.
Coincidence?I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you
to think you can sing.
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"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no
sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's
all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause
pregnancy.
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"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be
happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major
factor in dancing like a retard.
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"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that
the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you
to tell your friends over
and over again that you love them.
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To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support
Group. Salvation in a can!
~Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think
you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex
without spitting.

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And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff
Clavin,of Cheers.

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was
explaining the  Buffalo Theory to
his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of
buffalo can only move as
fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is
hunted, it is the slowest
and weakest ones at the back that are killed first
This natural selection
is good for the herd as a whole, because the
general speed and health of
the whole group keeps improving by the regular
killing of the weakest
members. In much the same way, the human brain can
only operate as fast as
the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of
alcohol, as we know, kills
brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest
and weakest brain cells
first. In this way, regular consumption of beer
eliminates the weaker brain
cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient
machine. That's why you
always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you
think you are whispering
when you are not

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They have wonderful beer in Germany, and they serve it in containers so
large that, in other nations they could be used as shelters for the homeless.
This gives a new meaning to the concept of "having a beer".  In the United
States, "having a beer" is a semi-harmless act that leaves you slightly mellow,
whereas in Germany it can leave you dancing naked on the roof of a moving
bus.

~Dave Barry

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